Experimenting with CoKane: CelluliteRx
Today's Experiment: the CelluliteRx system
I have here three 1-oz tubes of cream, which are Steps 1-3 on the path to your shining, happy future of no cellulite: LipoSmooth body polish, LipoTherm contour cream, and LipoLift firming cream.
The literature explains that only women get cellulite, because of science-y stuff involving "unopposed estrogen" (should that be the new name of my blog?) and also uses one of our language's funniest words, "engorged." That's about all I got out of the explanations including flow chart explaining the causes of this "orange peel"-like unfortunate skin situation, and I think that's probably how CelluliteRx likes it. Oh wait, I did also get a dread of this sign of aging that I didn't have before I read the literature, and I imagine that's exactly how CelluliteRx likes it.
Reading on, I became more alarmed at the prospect of using this product, specifically Step 2, which contains progesterone to counteract the estrogen in ladies that makes the fat cells that causes the cellulite (if I understand their science lesson correctly). This product will help counteract your shameful, fatass estrogen! When you apply Step 2's LipoTherm Contour Cream, "it is normal and desired to experience an immediate localized warm rosy-to-red flush...indicating increased circulation to the treated areas."
I'm not the only one suspicious of this LipoTherm cream, according to such FAQs as: "I am concerned about keeping my hormones in balance. Should I check with my doctor prior to beginning this preparation?" (Their answer: yes, if you are on hormone replacement, birth control pills, or other hormonal preparations.) "Will using the LipoTherm Contour Cream intefere with my periods?" (Their answer: don't take this during your special time of the month.) Here's one definitely writen by a real person: "I am concerned about using a cellulite product with hormones, even though I understand that the USP progesterone is natural. Can the other 2 products, the LipSmooth and LipLift be of benefit?" (Guess what they said to this one. Yes, you are still allowed to buy our other two products, even though you are totally creeped out by Step 2.) And here is my favorite one: "I seem to be sweating more at night and especially on my legs where I have been applying the product. What is causing this reaction and is it OK?" (CelluliteRx says it is OK. I tend to disagree.)
And now you may be wondering how much it costs to ensure a cellulite-free blissful future: For 6-ounce tubes of each, Step 1, which is basically a scrub, is $32, Step 2 aka sweaty-red-butt cream, is $96, and Step 3, which essentially is a moisturizer, is $48. FAQ # 12: "How long does this take to work?" (Answer: "Patience...It takes weeks...Your dietary changes never show up in a short amount of time, why should this?????") Indeed. And at these prices, why EVER stop using it? FAQ # 13: "I have noticed after three weeks of using this product that my cellulite looks worse...it is lumpier and softer. Help!" (This is more of a cry for help than an FAQ, but CelluliteRx says to keep using it, it's working. Sometimes things get worse before they get better. But be sure to stay with the program!)
So when comes the part where CoKane experiments? Well, I thought about actually testing this program out, and then I thought HELLLL NO. (Even if I were so inclined, I only have 1 ounce of each cream anyway. That's probably not even enough to get me to the lumpy-soft stage.)
And how often are any cellulite-prone zones (upper rear legs/butt, right?) exposed to the world anyway? The few times a year I go swimming? If it ever becomes an issue, I'll just trade in my 1950s & '60s bathing suits for a 1920s red-and-white striped bathing costume with bloomers and parasol.
(I'm never going to get a job at Cosmopolitan, am I? Good. I'm going to get so rich working for the many, many oh-so-profitable pro-woman mags out there.)
Step 4: garb