Experimenting with CoKane: CelluliteRx

Welcome to Experimenting with CoKane, where your hostess CoKane tries out various wack new products she receives as a woman of the media.

Today's Experiment: the CelluliteRx system

I have here three 1-oz tubes of cream, which are Steps 1-3 on the path to your shining, happy future of no cellulite: LipoSmooth body polish, LipoTherm contour cream, and LipoLift firming cream.

The literature explains that only women get cellulite, because of science-y stuff involving "unopposed estrogen" (should that be the new name of my blog?) and also uses one of our language's funniest words, "engorged." That's about all I got out of the explanations including flow chart explaining the causes of this "orange peel"-like unfortunate skin situation, and I think that's probably how CelluliteRx likes it. Oh wait, I did also get a dread of this sign of aging that I didn't have before I read the literature, and I imagine that's exactly how CelluliteRx likes it.

Reading on, I became more alarmed at the prospect of using this product, specifically Step 2, which contains progesterone to counteract the estrogen in ladies that makes the fat cells that causes the cellulite (if I understand their science lesson correctly). This product will help counteract your shameful, fatass estrogen! When you apply Step 2's LipoTherm Contour Cream, "it is normal and desired to experience an immediate localized warm rosy-to-red flush...indicating increased circulation to the treated areas."

I'm not the only one suspicious of this LipoTherm cream, according to such FAQs as: "I am concerned about keeping my hormones in balance. Should I check with my doctor prior to beginning this preparation?" (Their answer: yes, if you are on hormone replacement, birth control pills, or other hormonal preparations.) "Will using the LipoTherm Contour Cream intefere with my periods?" (Their answer: don't take this during your special time of the month.) Here's one definitely writen by a real person: "I am concerned about using a cellulite product with hormones, even though I understand that the USP progesterone is natural. Can the other 2 products, the LipSmooth and LipLift be of benefit?" (Guess what they said to this one. Yes, you are still allowed to buy our other two products, even though you are totally creeped out by Step 2.) And here is my favorite one: "I seem to be sweating more at night and especially on my legs where I have been applying the product. What is causing this reaction and is it OK?" (CelluliteRx says it is OK. I tend to disagree.)

And now you may be wondering how much it costs to ensure a cellulite-free blissful future: For 6-ounce tubes of each, Step 1, which is basically a scrub, is $32, Step 2 aka sweaty-red-butt cream, is $96, and Step 3, which essentially is a moisturizer, is $48. FAQ # 12: "How long does this take to work?" (Answer: "Patience...It takes weeks...Your dietary changes never show up in a short amount of time, why should this?????") Indeed. And at these prices, why EVER stop using it? FAQ # 13: "I have noticed after three weeks of using this product that my cellulite looks worse...it is lumpier and softer. Help!" (This is more of a cry for help than an FAQ, but CelluliteRx says to keep using it, it's working. Sometimes things get worse before they get better. But be sure to stay with the program!)

So when comes the part where CoKane experiments? Well, I thought about actually testing this program out, and then I thought HELLLL NO. (Even if I were so inclined, I only have 1 ounce of each cream anyway. That's probably not even enough to get me to the lumpy-soft stage.)

And how often are any cellulite-prone zones (upper rear legs/butt, right?) exposed to the world anyway? The few times a year I go swimming? If it ever becomes an issue, I'll just trade in my 1950s & '60s bathing suits for a 1920s red-and-white striped bathing costume with bloomers and parasol.

(I'm never going to get a job at Cosmopolitan, am I? Good. I'm going to get so rich working for the many, many oh-so-profitable pro-woman mags out there.)

Step 4: garb

Bibbidy bobbidy beboo

I know: har de har, spam is funny. But lately I've gotten multiple spams with "Join me on Bebo" as the subject line. I don't know if Bebo is a real website or some kind of phishing trickery, and I'm too lazy to check. But regardless, I just think we are really in The Future when we are hearing phrases like "join me on Bebo." For one thing you're not physically joining anyone anywhere, it's your likeness and identity represented on a made-up community on something intangible, the Internets, which is really a bunch of 1s and 0s.

But I'm more concerned about the name "Bebo": it just sounds like an electronic noise. And with more and more communication being conducted on phones, IM, myspace, email and whatever Treos are, and to make this all go faster we're abbrevsing words and phrases down to combinations of letters and all of this technology is changing our language so quickly that I wonder if soon we're just going to be like OMG Beep boo bop bip bebo WTF boo bee bibo LOL ROTFL . You know, like the Smurfs. Only they were not consistent about the Smurfs' language on that show; if "smurf" could mean almost anything, why were they mostly speaking in English and not going like, "Smurf smurf smurffity smurf, Smurfette." Instead it went more like, "I want to smurf you, Handy Smurf," which could also be interpreted so many different, mostly dirty, ways.

In conclusion, the future is now. Beep!

Revolution grrrl-style nnnoooowwww!

Sigh! Where are my Doc Martens and striped tights? www.hollabacknyc.com, where women can post photos of the guys who harass them on the street, is beautiful. And they put my friend Emily from BUST, looking all cat-eyed badass, up in their banner!
So simple, so awesome. Yaaaay internets!

The Horror!

I saw Slither on Saturday (and was delighted), but what you'll see below were by far the most horrifying things I saw all weekend. I was at the ATM at the Gristede's next to UCB, 26th St. & 8th Ave., then looked up and almost had a heart attack:

















Then a robot behind me shouted, "ARRRRR!" and I turned around, and...




















And then everything went black.

That's all I can stands, I can't stands no more!

Hey! Did you guys (meaning you males) know there were 7 ways we ladies can tell if you're going to marry us--in 30 Days or Less? You didn't?
Well, these are the ways, according to The List: 7 Ways to Tell If He's Going to Marry You--in 30 Days or Less!--and ladies, the book promises that "you will never have your time wasted or your heart broken again."
Mary Corbett and Sheila Corbett Kihne say if he doesn’t do these 7 things within the first 30 days-DUMP HIM!

He makes the first move
He calls within 24-48 hours to set up a first date
He makes the first date easy and fun
He calls again within 24 hours of the first date to set up a second date
He wants to talk everyday and spend all of his free time together
He demonstrates unconditional loyalty
He talks about marriage in concrete terms and he proposes-or he clearly indicates his intentions

Hey! Betcha didn't know it was that simple and mathmatical! Guess what? It's not!

I work at a women's magazine, where we get sent new relationship books every day--they are being released at an epidemic rate. The thing is, I look at them, all ready to snort, but they actually have grains of truth to relate to. This latest one says on the back, "The problem is that you have wasted time on the wrong men." and I think, "Yeah! I HAVE wasted time on the wrong men!" And it's written by two "fiery sisters." Hey! I'M a fiery sister! Well, the part of the publishing industry dedicated to cranking out volume after volume of this crap didn't just fall off the turnip truck. All of this is how they get ya!

The company who publishes The List appears to have at least 30 other current titles in their Relationships category, with titles like All Men Are Jerks, How Can You Tell if You're Really in Love?, Loving a "Difficult" Man, The Commitment Cure, Will He Really Leave Her for Me? Why Men Love Bitches, and Men at Work: A Job by Job Search for Mr. Right. And surprise, nearly all of them are aimed at women.

Fuck you, The List!
Fuck you, The Rules!
Fuck you, Why You're Still Single!
Fuck you, Get Serious About Getting Married!
Fuck you, He's Just Not That Into You!