Cold feet, heart sweating rouge
Also helpful was this quote by actress-turned-musician Jena Malone (Donnie Darko, Saved!), about playing live, in a recent issue of the smart, grownup rock mag Harp:
"If you're not bleeding and sweating and worried and nervous and excited and shitting out of your pants, then obviously your heart's not in it. That's when you know that you really care about something: when your heart is fucking sweating blood."
Her quote really grabbed me. While I have not shat out of my pants, I've sure been productive on that front lately. And while this phenomenon may be attributible to an illness or anxiety, Jena's point is well made. Clearly I've needed a change. I've needed the freedom to be a writer, and wanted a house like real adults have (even your man above in my new Holy Shit We're Moving to the Deep South logo probably has his own house), which you can't come by in NYC without earning a shit-ton or being independently wealthy. I've needed a break from what I don't like about the city so I can remember what I do like. Mainly, though, I am going far out of my comfort zone, and this makes me feel alive.
Ten years ago now, I moved to Ireland by myself after graduating college. (I'm old!) That also scared the hell out of me, and I was very lonely at first, but it turned out to be easily one of the most fun times of my life and forever changed me for the better. While in Dublin, I found a postcard saying, "Do one thing every day that scares you," a quote from Eleanor Roosevelt. It seemed like really good advice to the new, adventurous me, so I kept it. Another postcard (I think these were all ads for Guinness, like the whole country is) said, "Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn't do than by the ones you did. So throw off the bowlines, sail away from the safe harbor, catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover." And that quote was by...Mark Twain, a man whose praise about the lush flora of Baton Rouge I included in this post. See? Everything's circular, It's the circle of life, and I'll be back again, my friends.
P.S. That last sentence wasn't a weird way of announcing that I'm pregnant. [shudder]